This is quiet time for me these days. No wonder I dread it so.
I wonder when I would be able to genuinely smile again.
(Day 18 of Mindful in May)
I’m going to be pretty vague about this one and focus on the feelings because I will be hitting on a specific reader’s toes if I get into any more detail.
The tone I’ve been using on the past few entries have been really dark so instead of trying to keep keeping on like that, I just shut up and let light come in to take care of me.
It is not one instant event given the overwhelming hesitation, uncertainty and mistrust on people and the world had previously appeared to be. The negative forces had been quite active on being too noisy that the tiny person holding the light can barely speak. This then resulted in panic and despair.
A quick trip to the columbarium and a monologue having my father’s ashes as audience was all it took to make me dump every single noise, to qualify its significance in my life, to quash my preconceived notions of what and how should it be and how I should react when people believe it should.
No hagulgol crying was made on this unloading, but I felt tons lighter, my world got more space to be a little more brighter, and that general sense of I-don’t-give-a-flying-fart-I-can-do-anything sense of invincibility has come in and decided to stay once more.
It’s a pleasant feeling. Like the sound of the heavens when you’re summitting before sunrise. Like the gentle breeze of the sea as you walk on the beach. Like the almost flirty tones of the birds chirping. Like the steadiness of the water as it flows through the stream.
So world, good and bad, I am sooo back and ready to take you on again in full force. Bring it.
“We tend to be more emotionally expressive during a full Moon, and this time around, that bright orb in the night sky is no exception! Meaningful change is upon us. This eclipse in Leo emphasizes emotional reactions, and psychic sensitivity, spiritual instincts and emotional connectedness will all be heightened during this period. There will be feelings of freedom as blockages melt away. Let go of beliefs that don’t correspond with your current reality and you’ll be able to see the present in a new light. You’re free to redefine your personality and your image. A new hairdo or new clothes would do you a world of good!”
“An old phase ends and a new one begins. Whatever part of your life is not in sync with your true life’s purpose will be the most affected. Make the most of this opportunity to look forward (as well as backward).”
Hunh?!!! Let us assign some blame on the eclipse instead:
Of course this just means I am alright (absofreakinglutely insane still). Thanks for caring and sharing and whining and filtering out the bad thoughts with me.
Oh, and don’t find this parting word weird:
I GROK YOU!
When you can grok me too, that is my paradise.
As Charles Dickens would bicker on A Tale of Two Cities,
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.”
Ahahaha, too many polysyllables.
Then I stuck out my thumb, and I’m back here in Dubai!
The holidays and turn of the year makes you wonder and wander for what’s important in life. What can I say? I got it all figured out. And I can’t do a thing. Yet.
So now I cope.
It will be better soon. I can smell it.
PS. How can I forget? I went to an Ogie Alcasid concert too, organized by my brother! That’s number 9.
After finishing a glass of Strawberry Margarilla at Grilla (Robinsons Pioneer),
we get to realize that the events for the past three months has left most of the team (those who matter to us anyway) full of sadness to the point of not being able to think straight.
There are a lot of things missing, moments lost forever, and a lot of uncertainty going around. These then has forced people into going towards into a downward spiral of dejection and worry. Current efforts to “explain” this away does not really help.
As such, we have resolved into reinjecting the good old days where we have an outlet to vent and to kid around. Not to escape, but to provide a rainbow of hope for those who choose to remain.
After several years of sharing their warmth, intelligence and impositions as members of our family, they are gone.
Darna (left) used to talk (she responds when you talk to her) and has jumped flights of stairs several times. Mama before decided to get this kitten lost but she was able to find her way back so we decided to keep her.
Siopao (right), Darna’s mom knows her name and pays heed when you invite her to come by, food or not. Kneading & purring addict! Source of major comfort.
Now, all of them are gone forever. Though at the back of my head and at the dream world, I’ll always get to be with them once more, rubbing themselves under my foot, tugging at my pants, shirt for whatever it is that I’m eating, and rolling over my tummy and back when I lie down.
I don’t think I can ever love another animal as much as I loved, loving and will love these happy set. I’m missing all of you dearly!