With their love, care, humor, challenge and existence.
So now, I’m currently making a photo project – isolating the best of the best. Will have them printed on the largest possible size and have them framed and placed on wherever my eyes will land on at my flat.
A few weeks back I posted a very a very EMO blog dedicated to my father:
He died a few hours ago. This is the last good picture we have together, before I left for Dubai.
The past few weeks had been really hard for him so I’m trying to see his death as a final comfort.
May you rest in peace, Papa. You’ll always be part of my every joy for the rest of my days. Love you.
I have learned a lot from you, though your method of teaching is hmmn, not so traditional.
It has been painful for you to walk for a few years now so your moving around activities are limited to the house, sitting on your chair in front of it and going to and from the neighborhood store. You’re turning 77 this July. Your elder sister died a few weeks ago.
You’ve been ill a couple of days back and had difficulties getting up from bed. Now they say you can barely hear and people yell at you by default for you to be able to understand what they’re saying. This is freaking me out so I have to go do this. I hope you appreciate it.
A few months ago, I went and asked you that if your life had been different, what would you see yourself doing other than this life you have now?
You have a ready, curt no-nonsense, four-letter word answer that I refuse to share with everybody – it’s mine!
Looking at it now, I should have apologized for laughing my ass of out of what you said. I am sorry. I did not understand then. I do now.
Your life had been a series of challenges since you were young and without a good pair of parents (be it their fault or not) that might have made your life easier. That’s no excuse to get deep into a series of alcohol-induced stupor. Adolescence, even adulthood did not offer additional comfort and or has even made you used to uhmm…well…what you’re used to. Then comes your fairy-tale wedding. Eventually it grew to a family. I just happened to be on that unit. This marriage and family grew.
At times I think I thirst for what might have been (and since you’re still alive – this could very well improve – I can hope, right?) our interactions because I am often told I’ve always been your favorite. I have no blame but gratitude and the ever constant need & compulsion to take care of you.
But since I’m miles away (and you can’t hear me on the phone or even on the webcam), let me tell you this:
As you have always done alone since you were young, keep taking care of yourself.
And oh, I LOVE YOU.
Over the weekend, I attended the wake of my dad’s eldest sister. This was the very first “Huling Lamay hanggang Libing” thingy I went through and the experience had given me a chance to again encounter epiphanies. It was not easy because I kept subjecting myself (along with some cousins) to sleep deprivation, which I believe is the worst torture possible.
Own Truth #3 reinforces itself.
When the pallbearers were putting her in the
graveyard tomb, we were singing the Happy Birthday song. It would have been her 83rd birthday on that day if she had still been alive.
Around her that day were all her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Quite many, but none have been seen to be crying during that time. I think this is because I think she has lived a full life. She has enjoyed her husband, kids, grand kids and even had the chance of taking care of great grand kids before she went.
This again reminds me of how old my parents are. I am certain they had their aspirations before being together and had put them aside for us, their kids. The fear does not lie on losing them; the fear lies on the fact that before they go, I have not done enough to repay their sacrifices for me.
But should that prevent me from living the life the way I want to? I mean, if they have done those things whole-heartedly without any thought of being reciprocated for their efforts, shouldn’t I go and move to where my passion lies?
The fear is, my friendsters, not knowing the answer to this simple query.
Got annoyed again by last minute Christmas shopping. Come to think of it, it was the only instance that I had the chance to shop for gifts this year.
Rummaging through the stores I kept telling myself, “It will be better next year, I’ll really plan on how to do this.” Yeah right.
I got away with free dinners as presents for some.
Our Family’s Christmas Traditions (Though I guess this is also the same with other families out there):
- Chicken Salad
- Buko Salad
- Keso de Bola
- Leche Flan
- Ignoring the carollers (hehehe our parents have successfully passed that on to us – they always whined on how “poor” their performances are
- Family Pictures – see above
- Rolling on the floor laughing while dissing the family pictures – quicker this time due to technological advances
- Gift giving
- Sleeping at 4 in the morning (movie marathon, eating, talking, eating, singing, eating) and having to wake up at 7 or 8 because you need to attend more reunions this time!
As I have grown tired of having #1 to #5, I have proposed of having something else for next year. When they turned to me to ask what should we be having instead, I said “same”.