Living in Fear

7 Oct

Over the weekend, I attended the wake of my dad’s eldest sister.  This was the very first “Huling Lamay hanggang Libing” thingy I went through and the experience had given me a chance to again encounter epiphanies.  It was not easy because I kept subjecting myself (along with some cousins) to sleep deprivation, which I believe is the worst torture possible. 

Own Truth #3 reinforces itself. 

When the pallbearers were putting her in the graveyard tomb, we were singing the Happy Birthday song.  It would have been her 83rd birthday on that day if she had still been alive.

Around her that day were all her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.  Quite many, but none have been seen to be crying during that time.  I think this is because I think she has lived a full life.  She has enjoyed her husband, kids, grand kids and even had the chance of taking care of great grand kids before she went.

This again reminds me of how old my parents are.  I am certain they had their aspirations before being together and had put them aside for us, their kids.  The fear does not lie on losing them; the fear lies on the fact that before they go, I have not done enough to repay their sacrifices for me.

But should that prevent me from living the life the way I want to?  I mean, if they have done those things whole-heartedly without any thought of being reciprocated for their efforts, shouldn’t I go and move to where my passion lies?

The fear is, my friendsters, not knowing the answer to this simple query.

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